February 26, 2008 rocked our world. And it will never be the same again. The identical twin boys that our daughter was carrying with so much love and anticipation, died. And when they died, something else died too. An innocence and a trust that everything will always eventually be okay. And the innocence that I'm talking about is Beth's. She never assumed but she always trusted.
The pain of losing those beautiful grandsons was extraordinary. It still is. But there's another pain I'm going to talk about today. And that's the pain of having a child in pain.
There is no helplessness like having a child who is suffering and being unable to help. There is no hopelessness like that of wanting with every fiber of your body to help your child but having no hope that you're going to be able to. If somehow Beth could have been my three-year-old little girl again and I could have held her on my lap while she curled in a ball and sobbed, it would have helped me. If I could have just held her and rocked her for awhile until she was comforted, it would have been so much better.
But no. She suffered and I watched and agonized and prayed. But I couldn't help. I wanted to make those babies come back. I wanted to promise that God would send them to her again in another pregnancy. I wanted to do something to take away her terrible pain. But it was hopeless. There was nothing I could do to change what had happened. And that's all I wanted to do.....undo it.
I wish I could say this was the first time that I suffered with one of my children. But it wasn't. I just hope it's the last. I have no regrets though. The moment we have that first child and feel that amazing love, we sign on for whatever happens after that. We share the joys and we share the pain and we wouldn't have it any other way.
I have many memories of that painful day. I know where I was and what I was doing each time the phone rang. I was at the hospital when they were born and during their labor I watched my brave, strong daughter sacrifice her personal comfort so she would feel every detail of having those babies with her. And I've never been so proud of her. Nor so sad for her. I took pride in her bravery and shared her pain. It's a mother's mission. It's a mother's gift.
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As a mom, I know exactly how you feel. You want to do everything you can to help, but know that nothing you can do will change anything. It's hard to believe that it has already been a year. I love your daughter with all my heart. I'm proud to know her and to say I'm her friend. You should be so proud of your Beth. She is a truly amazing woman!!
ReplyDeleteI don't think you could have said it any better. You're a wonderful mother and I'm sure that your being there with them meant so much to them.
ReplyDeleteLove, Amy
Oh I couldn't get through the first paragraph without becoming a blubbering mess. I don't know this perspective, I don't WANT to know this perspective, but I understand with 4 children, I am going to experience on top of my own heartache that many times over when they have heartache of their own.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this. I love your daughter so much. She is so incredible and special and I know you are honored to have her as a daughter just as she is so blessed to have you as her Mom.
Steph
So, so, so very true, Mrs. H.
ReplyDeleteYour post is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with us. You and Beth are both blessed to have each other.
I hope you never have to experience the pain of watching one of your children in pain ever again.
Like Steph, I also couldn't get through this without blubbering! I don't know what it's like as a mom to see your child in as much pain as Beth, but on some level, I can imagine that as a parent, you just want to make it all go away... and feel frustration that you can't.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your thoughts, as hard as it may have been. I love and adore Beth so much, and I know you must be so proud of her. I look forward to reading more of your blog!
Wow-thanks for sharing this. I came over from Beth's blog. and yes, I'm crying!
ReplyDeleteI came over from Beth's blog too. Tears are streaming down my face. Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWow Mary you really expressed your thoughts and emotions so well and made me look at the event from a whole other perspective. Thank you for that. And welcome to the blog world!
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to imagine as a mother/grandmother what that day must have been like for you. You described it perfectly. Thank you for sharing with us, something so dear to your heart. Beth is an awesome person. You did a great job!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteCeli
Your post is absolutely beautiful. And as a new mother, I can not even imagine watching my child go through this kind of pain. I am fairly new to Beth's blog, but fell connected to her. I pray for her and your family often.
ReplyDeleteOh Mom...what a post. It reflects so many of the things you have shared with me over the last year. I know at time you have felt so helpless, but really, you've been the backbone to mine and Beth's survival. We all know there is no pain like the pain of losing a child, but the pain of watching a child in pain has got to be the second worst pain EVER.
ReplyDeleteThank you for everything you have done, said, and prayed for. I know so much goes unsaid or un-noticed, but I hope you know that without you, I am quite confident neither Beth or I would be where we are today. Through all of this pain, our families will continue to grow closer and in the center of all of us, is You.
Thank you, Mom.
this is posted by Lori, but i'm too dumb to figure out how to post GRRRRR.
Since the death of my daughter, 5 1/2 years ago, my Mom has expressed many of the same sentiments.
ReplyDeleteAs parents we want to protect our children from everything bad in the world. We don't want them to have to learn the hard lessons.
And, when they have to go on unchartered waters, experience something we never have, it is doubly hard I think.
Beth is lucky to have such a wonderful and supportive Mom. We all pray that we never have to be in this place, but when it happens, it is such a blessing to have such wonderful Mothers.
Oh my, Beth's Mama...there are truly no words to express that deep pain and sorrow! I have written this to Beth before and so I will express this to you, I pray that you find true peace and healing as you and your dear family seek to continue on without those sweet boys! Thank you for sharing your heart with us!
ReplyDelete(visiting from Beth's blog) :)
i know where beth gets it from now...that was such a beautiful post to read. thank you for sharing...you have a gift for words and your brutal honesty makes it shine.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written! What a lucky girl Beth is to have you as a mother! Thanks for sharing your perspective.
ReplyDeleteLindsay
This is a beautiful post about a mother's love. It shows how deeply you love Beth and how deeply Beth loved those boys. Although, since almost all of us follow Beth, we already knew the depth of her love. It is great to hear it from her mother. You are both so blessed to have each other. Well to the world of blogging.
ReplyDeleteTracy F
I cannot imagine how painful it must have been to see your daughter go through such agony and loss. Thanks for sharing about it so bravely here.
ReplyDeleteYou writing is eloquent and touched my heart. I am a mon of twin boys & stumbled upon your daughters posts and this story, well it really hit home. I will keep you and your entire family in my heart and prayers!
ReplyDeleteWhat a very lovely, heartbreaking post. I'm so sorry that any of you had to suffer such a huge loss. But Beth is blessed to have a mom who feels so deeply for her. I pray for your family to find a little more peace and comfort with each day. Thank you for sharing your story as an example of exceptional strength, and as a reminder to be thankful for what we have.
ReplyDeleteThat was beautiful. I am so sad about James and Jake; my little niece Caitlyn died a few years ago, so I like to think she has some little friends up there in heaven now to play with.
ReplyDelete