Yesterday I Put On My Big Girl Pants

Yesterday, I did two things that should help me move into a better frame of mind.

The first thing I did, was get my teeth cleaned. Okay, don't jump to conclusions. I get my teeth cleaned regularly.....now. But I didn't always. Back in the day, a trip to the dentist meant a toothache that even a mouthful of whiskey couldn't relieve and it always resulted in an extraction. There were no regular trips for cleaning and check-ups because we just didn't have the money for such extravagances. Maybe that's why I've always had such an aversion to the dentist.

Finally, years ago, I resolved that problem by paying for nitrous oxide (laughing gas, sweet air, i.e. euphoria) at every appointment. No, I'm not out there looking for a high (but I didn't mind getting one), and if it meant I could soldier through the dreaded dental appointment...well, I just did what I had to do.

Yesterday I got my teeth cleaned without a high! Wow! Go me! And, it wasn't bad at all. In fact, on some level it was less stressful than the usual nitrous visit, not to mention that I came away $56 richer.

The second thing I finally did was go to the Post Office where I used to work. I haven't been back since the day I walked out the door on sick leave - I had injured my back - at work - but never claimed it as a work-related injury because I was too sick of dealing with the insults and intimidation that resulted from any kind of claim against the Post Office.

When I left that day, I didn't know that the doctor would order me off work for thirty days, but when he did, I set the retirement wheels in motion. By the end of the month I was out of there permanently; and, just in time, because I honestly didn't think I could stand another day there. I wrote about my experiences a little bit here and in reading it over, I'm not surprised to see that I was relieved that I'd never have to walk into that place again.

But, for a year and a half I've allowed part of that job to hang over my head while I dreaded the trip back that I'd have to make. You see I had really good uniforms, coats, sweaters and wind breakers that I knew someone could make good use of if I'd just take them in. Not only was it a waste to have them here but they took up valuable space.

Yesterday, after my momentous trip to the dentist, I went to the post office and dropped off the clothes. What a relief! All the reminders are gone - except for that welcome little retirement check that I get every month - and I've made a big step forward.

I just can't believe I let it hang over me for so long.

Just like the teeth cleaning without nitrous, sometimes the dreading is much worse than the actual doing.

The End Of An Era

Today was my last official work day for my place of employment. As of tomorrow, August 1st (which will be today by the time I get this posted) I will be officially retired. I've already applied for Social Security and all my retirement papers are being processed according to an angel named Helena that I spoke to today. I'm done. And I'm lucky.

I walk twice a day every single day. And I walk fast. I'm 63 years old and I can't believe how fortunate I am. I'm retired and I'm healthy enough to stay active.

But I'm bitter. I started this job only 14 years ago with stars in my eyes. It was my dream job and I was ready to give it my all...which I did. But this job wanted more from me. This job wanted my self respect and my dignity.

The powers that be in this failing enterprise seem to believe that the only way to salvage this organization is to beat up the very people that keep them going. They pile on more and more and appreciate less and less. It's a very, very physically demanding job especially if your part of it involves only walking all day every day. And it's not just strolling along the sidewalk. You're required to take every shortcut possible and the steps you go up and down are killers. They wear on your joints and your stamina.

And the working conditions? Believe it or not, it's a dangerous job. There's ice hidden in places you can't anticipate and you're down before you know it's there. There are hidden obstacles seemingly designed for trips while you're attending to your job as you walk (as required). And if you have an accident in the worst winter on record or worse yet, two of them, you will be treated like the lowest of the low. You'll be told that it's a shame that this organization lets you work for them with your accident record. But wait, I'm the first person they've said this to in my work unit. Is it because I'm 63? Surely not.

Don't get the wrong idea. I slipped on hidden ice and my head hit a planter. The ensuing cuts required 5 stitches and I was back at work the next day. I'm not a slacker. I'm a hard, conscientious worker and I was treated like dog****.

When my daughter called me with the most devastating news any mother could ever hear - that the identical twin boys she was carrying had both died, my employer told me that if I went to her, I would be fired for abandoning my route. And the thing I'll NEVER forgive myself for is that I didn't walk away that day.

I'm leaving this dream job because it turned into a nightmare. And I'm not walking away with pride in a job well done (although it was), I'm leaving an embittered, battered, beaten down ex-employee who is relieved that for the rest of her life she never has to walk into that place again.

When Everybody's Cheerful and Friendly

One day at work, as I started my appointed rounds, I couldn't help but notice that everybody I encountered was cheerful and friendly. The weather was turning from Winter to Spring and that added to the good feeling of the day.

I mused for a couple of hours about what was putting so many people in such a good mood, and then I saw my favorite mail carrier fall down. And after that, nobody was friendly anymore.

And I realized the rewards of a cheerful countenance. When everybody was cheerful and friendly, they were reacting to my happy face due to the weather turning. After that fall, I didn't wear a cheerful countenance anymore and the people I encountered weren't cheerful and friendly at all.

I read in the bible once that a man who has a wife with a cheerful countenance is truly blessed. That's not a quote but it went something like that. And I think many men subconsciously rate the success of their marriage, either at any given moment or in the long term, by the general appearance of their wife's countenance. And this subconscious rating will have a very big effect on his mood and on the general health of the marriage. Don't get me wrong, I think I have a very successful marriage but it might be because Mr. Right is used to my countenance by now. After all he's had 41 years to live with it.

So I think we should try an experiment. Some people just naturally look happy and cheerful (or wait, maybe they work at it) and some people have a countenance like mine (not happy and cheerful). I think those of us that don't naturally possess a cheerful countenance should try for a day or two to put on a REALLY, REALLY happy face and see what happens.

I'm going to try it soon and when I do, I'll let you know how it turns out for me.

Falling + Being Sick = YIKES!!!!!

So I wrote about falling here and here and about being sick here. If you read these posts, you'll know that I found both of these situations dreadfully inconvenient. There was a plus side though and that is that the doctor (or a total of 4 doctors that I saw) prescribed that I not walk on my appointed rounds until at least next Monday. I miss my customers and I miss the exercise but I have to admit that I enjoy going home on a nasty, cold, rainy Spring day when the object of my appointed rounds is particularly difficult to handle. Like today. So it's all good, right? Wrong.

Because my unceasing exercise was the only thing that kept my weight from ballooning at an unprecedented pace. Now the lack of that exercise coupled with my unceasing boredom at home from not being able to do much of anything has caused the unthinkable. Weight gain. Not a little - a lot. Prior to getting sick I had been on vacation for a week which resulted in the usual weight gain but I expected to remedy the situation shortly after returning to work by walking 9 or so miles everyday. And just when the initial soreness was starting to fade and the pounds were starting to drop, I fell...and got sick....and you know the rest.

Fortunately my foot and ankle are feeling better..not great...but lots better and I fully expect to get back to normal, or at least start working towards normal, next week.

And until then, I get to watch more HGTV and learn more about decorating and spaces and buying houses and it's SO interesting. I'm seriously addicted and it influences my feelings about how I can improve my own space and that's all good.

Falling In Your Sixties

A week ago last Monday I fell, as I noted here.

It's okay. We all fall at one time or another. But when you're in your sixties and you fall, here's what you'll get: Have you had a bone density test? Do you take calcium? And here's what I answer. If I had poor bone density, every bone in my body would be broken because I fall all the time. Because I have an all walking job in every kind of weather condition that requires me to concentrate on something besides my walking all day. And, if you took a 20-year-old woman and threw her down on the ground, hard, 10 times in 3 months, she'd probably break something at least one of those times.

Also, when you're in your sixties and you go to the doctor because of your injury, here's what might happen. The attending doctor might treat your injury as a sprain. That's okay. But when you go back for a follow-up visit and she notes that the radiologist thinks you have a fracture, she might say, "Oh, I saw that on the xray but I just thought it was because I was not looking at the xray of a 20-year-old but that's what the xray of, you know, someone our age just looks like."

Now she might be right. I had new xrays today. And a different doctor. And this doctor said, "yes, I can clearly see the incomplete fracture on the large bone between your ankle and your foot. Have you had a bone density test?". Aaarrrgh.

Tomorrow I see an Orthopedic guy. And he might say there's no fracture. Nothing would surprise me at this point. Except maybe if someone judged me and my xrays for what they are and not for my age.

And Being Sick

Friday I wrote about falling. A most egregious hazard of walking outdoors all day while focusing on something besides the walking itself. I really felt hurt that I fell and, while I always believe that there is a reason for everything, it's hard to justify the insult of a fall.

On to 'being sick'. I've been fighting a cold for some time. During the first part of the battle, I was on antibiotics for an infected tooth that had to be extracted. Even after the extraction I continued with the antibiotic for another week or 10 days. And during this time I had some rather mild cold symptoms.

Then, a few days after the antibiotic series ended, the cold started to get more serious. First came the sinus infection symptoms followed by the throat and ear pain. Everyday seemed to bring more and worse symptoms. Finally I woke up one morning with my first awareness being of a tight chest and pain with the lightest cough. And the body aches that accompany even the slightest fever were quick to make their appearance.

I knew it was time to see a doctor; and, of course Occupational Medicine doctors, at least where I went, would not even look at these other symptoms so I made an appointment with my GP. He prescribed a powerful antibiotic and slowly but surely I've started to feel better. I have a long way to go before I feel good again and I'm so tired I can barely function but it's getting a tiny bit better everyday.

And most importantly, now I know why I had to fall. It was so I would be put on light duty and not in a position where I would spread the nastiest of nastiness to 500 people on my appointed rounds.

Falling

What a winter it's been. There must be thousands of ways to fall and this past winter I've personally found a lot of them.

A light coating of snow that doesn't slow you down. You stride out, trying to make time and who knew? Under that light coating of snow on the corner, there's a large patch of solid ice! Down you go.

A cold day, no new snow, but black ice making it quite difficult to detect. As you walk as quickly as you can, the instant you hit the black ice, you're down. You didn't even know you were going down.

Then there are the completely snowy days. You're walking along and a variation in the terrain under the snow is not detectable. All of a sudden you roll your ankle and down you go.

As you descend some steps, you realize they're slippery and you get a firm grip on the railing. It doesn't matter how firm your grip is, once you're foot meets that ice, you're down.

You make a delivery, turn to cut across a lawn as required, there's a little slope and it's slippery. You didn't know it until your head impacted the brick planter.

You wear boots and cleats when appropriate. You try to slow down to be safe. You watch as closely as possible every change and variation in the terrain. It doesn't matter. If you walk all day in all kinds of weather. You're going to fall.

This year I made it through the winter with only lots of falls. BUT none serious enough to impact my work. Just falls that feel insulting and hurt my feelings along with various parts of my body.

And finally we get to April. Home free. A light layer of snow in the morning is rapidly melting. Although it's wet out, it doesn't seem particularly hazardous. Then a gentle five foot slope to a mailbox is not made up of just grass as it seems, but a mixture of mud and grass. My left foot slid about 2 1/2 feet and my right foot didn't. My right knee bent under me and I must have ended up sitting on my poor twisted, right foot. WOW! That hurt!

I walk to my truck after making two more stops, change pants (mine are soaking wet and muddy), and continue rather tenuously on my route. I called to notify my Supervisor that I had fallen and hurt my right ankle and foot but that I would keep on going. Just not as fast.

I walked the rest of the day. It hurt but I kept going because it's just pain. I can work in pain.

I couldn't wait to get home that day and put my foot up. A half hour after I did, it swelled unbelievably and the pain was really bad.

The next day I went to an occupational health facility where they diagnosed a sprain and put me on light duty. Two days later, the doctor noted that the radiologist thought he saw a small fracture in my foot. Now I'm on really light duty and crutches. What a pain.

Fun

So for You Capture - Week Seven, our assignment was to take a picture of fun. And I wrote that this seemed like the hardest assignment yet because I wondered where is the fun and I mean FUN in my life?

And when I reread it, I thought I sounded like a fairly unhappy woman. After all, who has to look for the fun in their life? When I thought about it further, I realized that maybe I was equating fun with happiness or contentment. And I am happy and content. I'm just not a laugher. I laugh but not all the time and not about everything. I'm fairly easily amused but very seldom do I break into peals of laughter.

Sometimes when I'm around a group of women and they're all laughing hysterically about something that I think is mildly amusing, I get a little uncomfortable. But you know what? They're having fun. Maybe you have to make some of your own fun.

I know I'm really, really lucky. I have the best family in the world. And I'm really happy about that. I also have a home that I'm comfortable in, a koi pond that I enjoy, all the flower gardens I can handle; and I pretty much get to do everything that I want.....except retire. And I think that's the fly in the ointment. My job. It's too hard, the people I work for are too mean, and the sun and weather are too unkind to my skin.

So to clear the record, I'm happy. But I don't think the world will be a bowl of cherries for me until I retire. And I'm pretty sure at that time I'll be light hearted and everything will be fun.

I can hardly wait.

Bureaucracy

I'm anxious to retire. I'm not sure I can though because I don't know what my retirement income would amount to. Why? Because back in 1968, I started a 2 1/2 year stint working for the Air Force in Alamogordo, New Mexico. When I left that job, I was paid part of what would have gone toward my retirement because I never expected to work for the government again. And wouldn't you know it. Now I do.

So when I started this job 13 years ago I began a quest to find out what I owed so that the 2 1/2 years that I worked for the Air Force would count toward my retirement now.

It took literally years to get the information I needed. Evidently there was a fire in the records department in St. Louis that made the information very hard to retrieve. Finally, I found the right person who could get the information. But then I procrastinated for several months before I sent the check.

After I didn't hear anything for several more months, I called on 11/05/08 and explained that I sent my check in August for the full amount and that I had not heard anything regarding what my retirement benefits would be and how much more I owed in interest. I explained that when I called in August to ask the additional interest, I was told that the system was down and I should just send a check and would receive a statement telling what the additional interest would be.

She said the system was still down but that the additional interest was $115.83. I told her that it was important to me to know what my retirement benefits would be and she said that the system went down in July, was supposed to be down 2 months, and was still down now. When it comes up, she said I will receive statements telling about my benefits (yeh,right). On that same day I sent the check for $115.83 making sure to include every reference number and document necessary to ensure that my retirement information would be expedited.

Yesterday, 5 months later, that check came back to me. I forgot to sign it. My fault, no doubt about it. But five months to return it? Five months to let me know? I am appalled.

So I called the number on the explanation sheet. You know. The one that says, if you have any questions, call this number. And that person said, "Oh, I'm not surprised. I've had people complain that's its taken 2 years to process their check." When I asked if more interest had accrued, she said I'd have to call another person at another number to find out.

And you won't believe this. No one answered the phone so I had to leave a message. I left a detailed message; and you won't believe THIS. No one has returned my call.

When the person calls me back (yeh, right), I'm sure she'll tell me that the system is now up, (yeh, right) and she'll tell me about my retirement benefits (yeh, RIGHT).