I have been gripped by melancholy, depression, frustration, and fear. It's consumed my mind every day and these emotions have intensified exponentially as his departure date approaches.
There are happy things that should distract my mind from his departure. like Beth's baby; but my soul is still consumed with the sadness.
I could dissolve in tears at the drop of a hat - at the mention of his leaving. I pray constantly for his safety and I feel his resolve to do the tour to the best of his ability and as safely as possible and return home - hopefully to never leave again. I think I feel his frustration and sadness. And I'm consumed.
I don't feel well. And when I read about my symptoms, they can be related to stress and I've no doubt that they are. I don't feel well physically or mentally. I'm agonizing about something that can't be helped by agonizing.
And with all this I can't imagine what it must feel like to his wife, his kids, him. It's just too hard.
He shouldn't have to do another year away from home. He's done three tours already - all shorter but all too long. Four is too much to ask of anybody.
But most of all I just need him to be in a safe place. I need to not open my web browser every morning praying that no one has been killed over there. I need to never start to worry because I haven't heard from him for too long when it's probably just a service glitch in that backwards place.
But I still can't shake this despair. Maybe once he's there and I can starting counting the days until my firstborn Army son get's back, it'll get better. I hope so.
Because right now I'm too indescribably sad.