I have been gripped by melancholy, depression, frustration, and fear. It's consumed my mind every day and these emotions have intensified exponentially as his departure date approaches.
There are happy things that should distract my mind from his departure. like Beth's baby; but my soul is still consumed with the sadness.
I could dissolve in tears at the drop of a hat - at the mention of his leaving. I pray constantly for his safety and I feel his resolve to do the tour to the best of his ability and as safely as possible and return home - hopefully to never leave again. I think I feel his frustration and sadness. And I'm consumed.
I don't feel well. And when I read about my symptoms, they can be related to stress and I've no doubt that they are. I don't feel well physically or mentally. I'm agonizing about something that can't be helped by agonizing.
And with all this I can't imagine what it must feel like to his wife, his kids, him. It's just too hard.
He shouldn't have to do another year away from home. He's done three tours already - all shorter but all too long. Four is too much to ask of anybody.
But most of all I just need him to be in a safe place. I need to not open my web browser every morning praying that no one has been killed over there. I need to never start to worry because I haven't heard from him for too long when it's probably just a service glitch in that backwards place.
But I still can't shake this despair. Maybe once he's there and I can starting counting the days until my firstborn Army son get's back, it'll get better. I hope so.
Because right now I'm too indescribably sad.
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Last night, I drove past a campground that Sarah had gone to for a week when she was younger. I pictured Anna going for a week and I thought "there is no way, I could not handle the sadness if she were away."
ReplyDeleteAnd then I thought of Dan being gone for one year and it's not even a place that's fun, it's a place that sucks and he's a son and a Dad and a husband, and plays each of these roles so well, every single day.
(even when deployed. God, he's such an awesome overachiever.)
Anyway, I thought of you when I drove past the campground and I can't imagine what your heart feels right now but I know it feels sadness and I know that's okay. It's okay to cry, if that's what you want to do. Kick, stomp, throw a pumpkin at charlie's house, do whatever you want to do ...
As much as I want to savor this next year with the baby being here and being aware of every moment, there is an equal part of me that hopes and prays that it's the fastest year ever ... for everybody.
Oh, I can't even begin to imagine as a mother what you are going through. My heart breaks for the sadness you feel. Just know that he is in God's hands and I will say a special prayer of protection over him, his wife and family.
ReplyDeleteI think all we can do right now is pray every day with all of our might and hope that, like Beth said, this year passes by quickly and he returns home safely to his family. I know you are scared and worried and sad, I can't even imagine my son going over there. Seriously. Can't even imagine. I hope you can do alot of traveling to see the rest of us and your grandkids as much as possible to help you get through this time. We love you Mom!
ReplyDeleteMary, I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a big hug. I know that nothing I can say will make anything better, but know that you and your family and especially your son are in my prayers. Whatever you need to do to get through it is what you need to do. If there is anyway that I can help, please let me know. Even if it's just a walk in the dunes.
ReplyDeleteI truly, honestly cannot imagine how you are feeling. I can imagine that you feel in a way that a mother should never have to feel and that breaks my heart for you (for all of you). My prayers are that this year passes safely and swiftly and that it is the last time that he'll heave to leave.
ReplyDeleteoh, i wanna hug you, too. i am so thankful for him. for his family. for you. yet, frustrated. FOUR tours? i'm so sorry. i'm going to my prayer journal RIGHT NOW and writing this down. praying for all of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you to you and your whole family for your service and sacrifice.
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers.
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ReplyDeleteOh, I am so so sorry. The pain you must feel as a mother.
ReplyDeleteI am SO greatful for him. For you. For his wife and his other siblings. SO greatful of your sacrafice so that we may all have more.
I will pray, and continue to pray.
For your peace and comfort and for safety.
Wow. I came over here cause Beth asked to. I am so sorry and sad for you, but will be praying for your family- for peace and strength.
ReplyDeleteI am thankful for mothers like yourself who raise their children to honor their country. There is something so special about a mother who raised her child to be brave, patriotic, and willing to serve for others.
ReplyDeleteKnow that the men and women in your son's unit love and protect him like family just as you and your husband and daughters do.
Praying for his safety and for your peace of mind and reassured heart. God speed.
Mary, thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for letting us help you carry your burden. "I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid." John 14:27. "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power." Ep. 6:10. "Hear my voice, O God, in my prayer: preserve my life from fear of the enemy." Psalm 64:1. I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI just can't even imagine. I have two little tiny boys here and the thought...ugh. Yeah, I can't even imagine. I'm sorry. You go on and let yourself hurt. You'll still enjoy the beautiful things, like Beth's baby, while you do that hurting.
ReplyDeletePeace and prayers,
Heather
I'm kind of a "stranger" but a long time follower of Beth's blog. I would just like to say I am praying for you and your entire family. For safety, peace and hopefully eventual comfort when he is away. I would also like to thank you for raising such amazing, inspiring children. Beth has opened my eyes and inspired me in so many ways with her strength, I can't find the words to express it properly. And your son who is leaving- is a hero. Thank you and thank him and his family for fighting for us and our country. It's wonderful people like him that help us feel safe. Praying....
ReplyDeleteYou have so many reasons to feel all you are feeling. I pray it goes by fast and he is safe. Thank you to you and all your family for all the service and sacrifice!!
ReplyDeleteI can't begin to imagine what you're feeling right now and I don't know what to say except that I will keep him (and you) in my prayers.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, your son, his immediate family, and all your extended family.
ReplyDeleteI am a military wife of 16 years and I KNOW what you are feeling. You raised your son to be an honest, turst worthy, god fearing, Strong Proud AMERICAN.. What a wonderful mother you must be! Of the 16 years we have been married my husband has been HOME with us just over 10 of those years (total combined time). I know from experience that it is WORST leading up to their departure. Once they are in their tour, you are exactly right, you will always worry BUT you can count the days.. and there is nothing more patriotic, full of love and emotional than a good old fashiod homecoming ceremony welcoming our fine US men and woman back into the United States of America... Land of the FREE because of people like your son, the BRAVE... Big hugs and allow yourself to be sad at first, than throw all that sddness out the window and focus all your energy on care packages and letters and love for your soldier! Thank you to your son for defending our freedoms, and thank you to YOU and the rest of his family for supporting him. Niether job is easy, only the STRONG can do them!
ReplyDeleteAmy T
After 9 years in the military this is a story I know all too well. I'm so sorry that you have to experience it, that anyone has to experience it! You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh Mary, I can't imagine how your heart aches for your son and having to go thru this yet again. You totally deserve to cry and be frustrated, all of your family is.
ReplyDeleteI will keep him in my prayers for a quick and safe tour. I know the pride that you have for him isn't diminished by the sadness of him going away. I am thankful for his service, but wish it was done too!
hugs!
I don't know how you do it. When do we start to let go? I need to, I know. But it's so hard. I want them by me at all times. (and I don't care if they are 1 or 35!) I think that's a mother's heart. It's the BEST feeling and WORST feeling all at once.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that your connection to him is something that is physically tangible- even though he's over there and you are here, you are still together in spirit and I know he (and you) will be able to feel it.
I'll be thinking of you and praying. We're all here to help, always.
Steph
My daughter is only 5, but I'm realizing more every day that she will always be my baby and I will always want to move heaven and earth to protect her and keep her safe and happy. I will say a prayer for you and your family. God bless.
ReplyDeletePraying for peace and protection for everyone in your family.
ReplyDeleteAnyone who reads your blog will know exactly what it feels like to have a deployed loved one. My heart goes out to you along with my prayers for all of our soldiers. Thank you for your service along with his. Keep helping us to know the sacrifices that are made for our freedom. You make it real.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to send some love your way. I know deployments don't get any easier. I pray for his safe return. And for you and the rest of the family.
ReplyDeleteI am a newbie to Beth's blog and came to you through her. My prayers are with your family. Wow! 4 times! I too pray for his safe return.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It's hard and you're right... four times is too much. As a military wife, my husband has been gone so much, but I was "strong" and I could "handle" it. Now my 17yo is preparing for a military career and I wonder how on earth I'll be able to be strong and handle that. I'll keep you and your son in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteHi there. I'm sort of new to Beth's blog, but I am very impressed by her as a person. Her writing, her sharing of thoughts, her photography. I was already teary-eyed after reading her blog, and then I read yours. You both so eloquently expressed your thoughts of his leaving. Now I know where Beth gets all of her beautiful qualities. I can't imagine what both of you are feeling over this fourth deployment, which I also think is too much. Thank God for people like your son.
ReplyDeleteNow I know of two of your children. They both seem like amazing people. You should be very proud. He'll be back.
May God bless and watch over your family. I know it must be such an emotional time for you. I'm keeping you all in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteMary:
ReplyDeleteCame over here from Beth's blog, and just wanted you to know I am thinking about all of you...You have wonderful children, and Dan is a wonderful soldier. The things that he has done for our counry, and the sacifices he has made to his family, shows what a wonderful son you have raised. I look at my boys, they are 6 and 9, and cannot even think about them leaving to go to a war zone. No matter how old your kids are, they are still your babies, and you worry about them like they were a baby. You should be proud. Take each day at a time, and keep praying. I will have you all in my prayers daily..
We'll be praying for your family. He is able to do what he does because you did what you did as his mother. Thank you for raising a man so willing to serve others.
ReplyDeleteKeeping your family in our prayers! All thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you to you, your son, and your whole family, for bravery and courage. Your son is clearly very loved by his family; know that he is deeply appreciated by his country.
ReplyDeleteI will mark your blog on my favorites as i will try to check and remember to pray for your son. I found your blog through your daughter Beth's blog. So excited to see that you are an older woman who had many little one's. I have 7 little one's here on earth with me and two in heaven who I will hold someday.
ReplyDeleteI would encourage you not to watch the news while your son is gone on this tour. My brother -in-law has gone 3 times and my sister refused to watch the news all three times. She wanted to protect herself from fretting over the unknown and the news is almost always the unknown.
I also want to thank you for raising a son who is willing to fight for his country and not only protect his family but he is also protecting my family so I say THANK YOU!!
God bless you. I am excited to pray for you on this journey over the next year. Lord keep this man out of harm's way and keep his family lifted up through this time of seperation. I charge your mighty angels around all of them an pray for protection in The Name of Jesus. Amen.
Oh what a heartbreaking situation. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your whole family. I pray he stays safe. Thank you to all of your family - he has served beyond what anyone should have to and has done it for all of us he doesn't even know.
ReplyDeleteYou are clearly a very strong lady and a wonderful mother. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, Mary.
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting her in tears for you, and my kids are 7, 5, and 21 months! I can't even imagine. Just know that your son and his compatriots will do EVERYTHING in their power to make their way safely home to you. God speed.
ReplyDeleteAmy
May God ease your fears, lessen the burden of your worry and keep you all safe until you can be together again.
ReplyDeleteYou, your son, and your whole family will be in our prayers.
Christy
There is nothing I can say or do ( except pray) that will lighten your burden, but our amazing God can handle it, give it to him and trust God that he knows the plans he has for you Jer 29 ;11 . yOU COULD CHECK OUT MY BLOG FOR 17TH mARCH THERE IS A GREAT PRAYER ON IT. God Bless
ReplyDeleteTracy
You are right. 4 is too many.
ReplyDeleteRemember that it's okay to cry about it. It's okay to be angry, and it's okay to throw a tantrum every once in awhile. And then after you do that, pat yourself on the back and remind yourself that you raised someone who is so selfless that he would leave his family and friends for a year and fight for his country. For that, you should be extremely proud.
We'll be praying for you!
I came over from Beth's blog to say I'm praying for you and your son!
ReplyDeleteI also came from Beth's blog to tell you that I will definitely pray for Dan, his wife and children, you and the rest of the family. You must be a tremendous mother and woman to raise the children you did. As a mother, I can think of no greater accomplishment.
ReplyDeleteThank you- and Dan and his family- for your sacrifice for all of us. There really are no words. We are blessed to live in the U.S. and we have people like Dan to thank for that.
Thank you for the sacrifice that your family has gone through and continues to go through.
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for your whole family.
Came over here from Beth's blog. I'll be praying for your whole family.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is breaking for you. I came here from Beth's blog and my mind is racing with the fear, anxiety and sadness you are feeling. I will be praying for your family... for Dan and his family and Beth and her family and her new little guy... and for your entire family and for YOU. Dan is a man bigger than life, bigger than what is imaginable to be a man, a husband, a father, a brother, a friend, a son. I never ask for time to pass quickly, but I am asking God tonight for time to pass quickly. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to have met you in person, but now somehow it makes it harder that I can't give you a massive hug. All I can say is that I live this life too, and that somehow the days do pass, and the hope lives on, and my pride in him never waivers. I believe.
ReplyDeleteI believe my husband will come home and I believe your son will too. Until they do I'll be holding your hand in vigil here on the 'nets, k?
I endured two deployments with my now husband. One when we had just met, then one when we were married. My mantra is one day more since the day he left means one day closer to the next time I see him. And keep in mind no news is good news. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm the youngest of five children. I can only imagine what my mom felt when her "baby" went off to the Army, and later was deployed to Bosnia. I know receiving letters, cards, and packages from "home" helped me make it through the REALLY TOUGH times! I want you to know I will be praying for you, your son, his wife and children, and all of the rest of your family over this next year. May God BLESS your family and keep all safe until you are reunited! :)
ReplyDeleteAmy
Hi Mary, I hopped over here from Beth's blog..I cannot even imagine what or how you are feeling, but you are right, a 4th tour seems too much. But it sounds like Dan is the consummate soldier and an ambassador for our country...And good, very good, at his job.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers for you, his wife and kids, and the rest of your family to weather this storm..
Barb
My husband is about to leave for his fourth deployment. It never gets easier. Each time I feel just as scared, just as sad and lonely as I felt the first time. But I believe that God is faithful. That his time over there is not in vain...and it won't be forever. Whether the deployment is 15 months or 4 months...I know you need lots of love, support and prayers. You have them from me!!!
ReplyDeleteI will definitely keep him in my prayers! As a military wife I've been lucky to not have to deal with a deployment yet, but had two close calls recently. I know there is going to come a day when he's sent, and I am dreading it. My MIL keeps saying she won't sign his permission slip! I will keep you in my prayers as well, that God will help you have strength and maybe some peace through this.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for your peace while he deployed. And for his safe return. I can only imagine how your heart aches as his mother, especially as I look at the faces of my own, sweet, young boys. Much love and many prayers.
ReplyDeleteElaine
Came over from Beth's. I'm a mom of four boys and my heart pounded a bit harder when I read your post.
ReplyDeletePraying for peace and blessings for you over the next year.
I can not even imagine how you feel as his Mom. I will pray for his safe return and peace for you while he is gone.
ReplyDeleteSadie at heyMamas
I found this post through Beth's blog. I'll be praying for blessing for you, your son, and his family over the next year. Strength and peace to you!
ReplyDeleteBeth sent me....
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. I hope he'll come home soon, and this year will go by fast for that.
Beth sent me over. I just wanted to say Thank you to you and your family for the sacrifices you make everyday while your loved ones fight for our freedom.
ReplyDeleteI have dear dear friends and family there now and I know it's not the same but I understand a little of the heartache. Now we are praying for your family and thank you.
I'll be praying for your son's safety. The sacrifice of military families is beyond anything I can imagine.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. I am hoping for this year to fly by, and that your son will be home safely in what seems like the blink of an eye.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you and for his wife and children and well, your whole family. I can't imagine having him gone for a whole year. My husband was in the Navy and deployed lots and not home much, but never gone for nearly 365 days in a row.
ReplyDeleteits okay to be angry, its okay to not understand. I highly recommend the family support group from his unit. (I am not sure if they call those that in the Army) I was the president of ours and we did stuff with the families (mothers too!) and it was such a blessing to have people that knew how you were feeling and you could vent and they would totally understand. They do activities to help pass the time and they plan the homecoming.
Thank you so much for being the mother to a son who is serving our country. (even though it totally stinks that he is going)
((hugs))
I want you to know that I am praying for you and your entire family. I understand all of your feelings only I feel them as a spouse. I am a spouse of a man who serves in the U.S. Air Force. God be with you all during this coming year. May He give you strength beyond measure and peace that passes understanding.
ReplyDeleteJust want you to know I'm praying for you and all of your family. You have created such an amazing family that truly loves and supports each other. It is that love, support, strength and faith that will get you through the coming year.
ReplyDelete