He's Leaving Soon - Part 2

On March 17th of last year, I wrote this post where I described how it felt to have my firstborn Army son on the brink of a long deployment in an unfriendly country. Just now, my mood should be lifting. Things should be starting to feel better because we're within a couple of months of that deployment ending and he'll be returning to his home and mostly importantly his family.

But my mood remains somber. My mind stays unfocused and unmotivated because once again a sad pall blankets every waking moment because now, second born (by ten minutes) Army son is about to begin a long deployment in an even more unfriendly land.

Being a parent is a surprising journey and, where we're at at my age, looks a lot different than where our parents appeared to be at this age. We hear about clingy parents and we try not to be them. But here's how the world turns. We love and need these kids just as much as we did when they were twelve. But, they move on and they cling to their wives and their children and the lives that they've built for themselves. They love us, they do wonderful things for us, and they're the best kids anybody could ask for, but their focuses change. And that's how we want it.

We aren't foolish enough to wish to keep our kids by our sides for the rest of our lives because what we want for them doesn't involve us. We want their happiness and we're glad when they have beautiful, loving wives and children that they love and are proud of. If all our children are truly happy, then nothing can shake our happiness. There's nothing we want more.

And maybe that's why these deployments are so hard for me. I'm heartbroken when I think of either of my sons away from his family and the home life that he loves so much. I'm comforted knowing that he's playing a vital role in our nation's security and I really do feel better knowing that he appreciates how important it is that he does what he does. But in my heart of hearts, I want my sons in a safe and happy place. And I want their wives happy and unworried and not frazzled by the overwhelming responsibility of running households by themselves. And most of all, I want my grandchildren to see their daddies everyday. I want my sons there to guide them, care for them, and be closely involved in their lives.

But just like in many situations in life, when your sons are in the military, you don't always get what you want. So your heart hurts when they have to be away.

And then, you get the worry. I'm not foolish enough to think that anyone is 100% safe anywhere. But I know there aren't many more dangerous situations than those where there's a cash reward for taking my son's life. The fear becomes a way of life for me. I'm sure I need more faith and maybe these deployments will help me find that, but right now, I worry.

And right now, life isn't the way it should be. Right now, I'm unmotivated, unhappy, and unfocused. Everything that's usually important is cloaked in shades of gray. All the activities that typically fuel my life have become unimportant. I can't shake the melancholy and for weeks I've blamed it on the weather, my recent illness, and maybe just laziness but I finally have to acknowledge that the cloud hanging over my life is yet another deployment.

And that's why, once again, I'm so indescribably sad.