Monday, January 17, 2011

He's Leaving Soon - Part 2

On March 17th of last year, I wrote this post where I described how it felt to have my firstborn Army son on the brink of a long deployment in an unfriendly country. Just now, my mood should be lifting. Things should be starting to feel better because we're within a couple of months of that deployment ending and he'll be returning to his home and mostly importantly his family.

But my mood remains somber. My mind stays unfocused and unmotivated because once again a sad pall blankets every waking moment because now, second born (by ten minutes) Army son is about to begin a long deployment in an even more unfriendly land.

Being a parent is a surprising journey and, where we're at at my age, looks a lot different than where our parents appeared to be at this age. We hear about clingy parents and we try not to be them. But here's how the world turns. We love and need these kids just as much as we did when they were twelve. But, they move on and they cling to their wives and their children and the lives that they've built for themselves. They love us, they do wonderful things for us, and they're the best kids anybody could ask for, but their focuses change. And that's how we want it.

We aren't foolish enough to wish to keep our kids by our sides for the rest of our lives because what we want for them doesn't involve us. We want their happiness and we're glad when they have beautiful, loving wives and children that they love and are proud of. If all our children are truly happy, then nothing can shake our happiness. There's nothing we want more.

And maybe that's why these deployments are so hard for me. I'm heartbroken when I think of either of my sons away from his family and the home life that he loves so much. I'm comforted knowing that he's playing a vital role in our nation's security and I really do feel better knowing that he appreciates how important it is that he does what he does. But in my heart of hearts, I want my sons in a safe and happy place. And I want their wives happy and unworried and not frazzled by the overwhelming responsibility of running households by themselves. And most of all, I want my grandchildren to see their daddies everyday. I want my sons there to guide them, care for them, and be closely involved in their lives.

But just like in many situations in life, when your sons are in the military, you don't always get what you want. So your heart hurts when they have to be away.

And then, you get the worry. I'm not foolish enough to think that anyone is 100% safe anywhere. But I know there aren't many more dangerous situations than those where there's a cash reward for taking my son's life. The fear becomes a way of life for me. I'm sure I need more faith and maybe these deployments will help me find that, but right now, I worry.

And right now, life isn't the way it should be. Right now, I'm unmotivated, unhappy, and unfocused. Everything that's usually important is cloaked in shades of gray. All the activities that typically fuel my life have become unimportant. I can't shake the melancholy and for weeks I've blamed it on the weather, my recent illness, and maybe just laziness but I finally have to acknowledge that the cloud hanging over my life is yet another deployment.

And that's why, once again, I'm so indescribably sad.

20 comments:

  1. I wish I had wise words to share with you but I just don't. I do know that time is swift and soon the fog will lift and things will return and you'll see Dan again and then Dave will be home but that's not going to take away the ache in your heart now. You just have to be okay with the sadness you're feeling, you are right to be sad, it's okay to be sad...each day, I think, you'll start to find you again. Just like you did with Dan.

    Do what you have to do to get through each moment.

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  2. Sending a big huge hug your way. You're in my thoughts.

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  3. I wish I could reach through this monitor and give you a big hug my friend. It makes me sad that you are so sad. Maybe you, Rhonda and I can finally go out and maybe take your mind off everything for a little bit. XOXO

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  4. I'm praying for your family. I want to say so much more, but I know that I don't have words that could offer comfort or confidence. Thank you for raising sons that understand sacrifice and service.

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  5. My husband was in the military for 9 years... it's so interesting reading this from a mother's perspective. My heart breaks and I'm crying for you. I pray that you will find peace, find a greater faith that your boys will come home safely, and of course for Dan and Dave's safe travels. xoxo

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  6. Oh Mary, that is SO hard. I am sorry that you are hurting so much. Thinking of you and your wonderful family. xoxo

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  7. My oldest kid is just 15, but he's absolutely sure he's going to join the Air Force. That thought, combined with seeing him in uniform (he's a cadet with the Civil Air Patrol), can make me a sappy girl. But it took seeing a couple dozen guys and gals in uniform recently at a restaurant in Southern Mississippi near an Air Force base that made me realize, for the first time in my life, that these boys and girls in uniform have a MAMA who is HEARTBROKEN about her baby being so far away. Then they all looked like MY boy and I wanted to ask each one of those kids if I could call his or her mama to let her know her kid is okay.

    I wish I could call you, too, if I see your boys. But even though I can't, I'll be sure to say a prayer for him, as I do for all those "kids" I see in uniform. And if there's anything I can do for him in the moment we cross paths, if we do, I will.

    God bless you!!

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  8. Oh gosh, so hard. I can only imagine. It's all an exercise in surrender, isn't it? So much love to you during this, prayers for peace and a calm heart. <3

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  9. Your boys are so brave and doing such an amazing thing for this country. Something that many of us aren't willing to do. I know you're proud but also sad, and that ok. We're thinking about and praying for you and your family.

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  10. I hate that you are so sad right now, and I know that the only thing that can change that can't happen right now, so hopefully we can all focus on the future we they are both back home with their families where they belong. Hang in there, we are all there for you. We love you very much!

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  11. I don't have a child in the military so I can't begin to understand the depth of your sadness. Your words are so true, we need and love our grown children just as much now as when they were young. I pray that you find the strength to get through this and that your boys return safely home to their families and to you.

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  12. I hope the time flies until the day both your sons are home. And I hope writing this and identifying the source of your grief has helped you. I understand your pain, though I doubt I can comprehend it.

    I do hope, too, that you can reclaim your focus and motivation. It is a sad reality that your sons are needed elsewhere. It would compound the loss if your joy remained absent for long. I'm sure you are beyond proud of your sons. It would undoubtedly mean a lot to them to know that their service comes to the defense and support of your joy rather than at its expense.

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  13. You have so much to be proud of. Prayers for the peaceful passing of the days.

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  14. To Adam: Your thoughts are so pragmatic and so true. I don't believe either of the boys will read this post and I won't tell them about it because I know it would cause them pain to know that anything they do would make things at all difficult for their family. That's the kind of men they are. They would want us all to realize the wonder of their service - which we do - and to be at peace that they will take care of themselves and that they're doing what they need to do. One of the reasons I wrote the post was because I knew it would be therapeutic for me just as the one I wrote last year was. The thoughts, caring, and prayers of so many wonderful, supportive people really helps us through these rough patches. And ultimately the pride we have in these two men trumps these painful deployment anxieties.
    To everyone: Thank you so much for your love and support and especially your appreciation of our 'men in uniform'.

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  15. I'm so sorry. I will keep your family in my prayers!

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  16. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine. Just today I was writing about the struggles of understanding how to mother and love a 10 year old without smothering him... I can't imagine him going off like this. So brave, I am sure you are so proud, but what good is that for the heart? We feel so much- the hurt and the sad- and it makes the good love even more powerful, felt even stronger.

    Really thinking of you tonight.

    Steph

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  17. My heart goes out to you and all the other mothers who have sons & daughters so far away from home. xoxo

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  18. Thinking about your family and praying for you all. I really hope this deployment goes by quickly and both of your sons come home safe and sound.

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  19. Big hugs, Mrs. H. I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine how sad you must be or how difficult it is. I thought of you today, and stopped by and now I'm so glad I did.

    BIG HUGE HUGS and love of love. All the way from Texas.

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  20. The thing that makes me happy is that i know he wont be fighting he will be in the building most of the time with a 3 start general so he will be highly protected but i will miss him at least he will be back Friday to hangout with us more before he leaves Saturday. Stay strong Grandma!

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